Doctors at University Hospital in Newark were scrambling to treat Conan O’Brien after the Tonight Show host was stabbed, shot and beaten, but were unsure whether a bus ticket to Topeka would be enough to save him.

“Medicine has come a long way…in other cities,” emergency room physician Max Rapapport said at a news conference. “Unfortunately for Mr. O’Brien, our options are limited here. We thought about giving him a bus ticket to Pittsburgh, but in the end, it was clear a trip to Topeka was warranted.”

O’Brien ran into problems after cracking a joke about the city to a group of residents on Irvine Turner Boulevard. They promptly attacked him.

“Is that all you’ve got?” O’Brien quipped after someone in the crowd on the street knifed him in the back. “My 3-year-old son gives me worse when I try to put him down for a nap.”

Witnesses said a 3-year-old boy then pulled out a Glock .40mm and shot O’Brien several times. Stray bullets also killed two bystanders.

“Okay, that stung a little, but still,” the comedian countered. “And who nicknames a place Brick City? Oooh, I’d like to live in aluminum siding city!”

“That’s when someone threw a brick that hit Conan upside the head,” one resident said. “After he went down on the sidewalk, everyone lined up single-file to kick him in the ribs. It was very orderly.”

Through an NBC spokesman in Hollywood, Tonight Show sidekick Andy Richter said, “Newark is a great city. Don’t forget to watch tomorrow night as I host what will be a great show! my show. Finally!”