New Jersey election officials presented independent gubernatorial candidate Chris Daggett a special blue ribbon for taking part in the governor’s race and a coupon for a free 20-ounce soda with purchase of a 6-inch sub at Subway.

“While there will be winners and losers in the upcoming election, let’s not focus on such pejorative terms that categorize someone as one or the other,” said Robert Giles, director of the state Division of Elections. “Everyone involved, including Chris Daggett, participated and that’s nearly as important as winning one of the most powerful governorships in the nation.”

Although the actual election still is two months away, officials said they wanted to recognize Daggett now so he could proudly wear the participation ribbon on his wide array of polo shirts during campaign stops. The ribbon says, “Participant. NJ gubernatorial race, 2009.”

“I am grateful to have received this wonderful honor that I should note is not handed out to just anyone on the street,” Daggett said to himself at an empty news conference. “You have to be a participant in the governor’s race. That’s me. I participated.”

Gov. Jon Corzine paid $475,000 for his participation ribbon, while GOP challenger Chris Christie refused a ribbon, saying the American flag badge he wears proves he’s the only true patriot among the candidates.

Later, during a conference call, Daggett was asked how he was spending the public funding he qualified for. “Well, Old Navy had a sale on polos and you can never have too many of those,” he said.

Daggett also said he was busy preparing for the upcoming candidate debates, studying his key issues such as education, ethics, the environment and other things that begin with “e.” However, a leaked copy of questions that will be asked at the debate indicates the most probing query on tap for Daggett is, “What did you have for breakfast?”

Republican lawmakers and conservative activists in New Jersey are pushing for an amendment to the state constitution that would ban same-topping sandwiches.

The groups said they will begin a push to have the issue placed on the ballot next year and let Garden State residents – not legislators – decide whether it should be legal for someone to make a peanut butter and peanut butter sandwich.

“This is not about discrimination. This is about what is moral, what is right,” state Sen. Gerald Cardinale (R-Bergen) told reporters. “Peanut butter and jelly were meant to go together. You know, PB&J just sounds right. PB&PB or J&J? That’s sick.”

“We’re not trying to legislate what you do in the kitchen,” Cardinale continued between bites of an American cheese sandwich. “But this state of ours is headed down a path I don’t think any of us wants to go and it all comes back to the sandwich.”

Gregory Quinlan, director of government affairs for New Jersey Sandwich First, said putting only peanut butter or jelly on both slices of bread tears at the fabric of society.

“And don’t even get me started on the depravity of a peanut butter and banana sandwich,” Quinlan said. “It’s an affront to nature. Besides, what kind of message are we sending to our children?”

Gov. Jon Corzine has long advocated for tolerance on the question of same-topping sandwiches and reiterated his desire for the legislature to pass a bill allowing such combinations.

“The governor’s on the record supporting fairness and equality for all sandwiches,” spokesman Sean Darcy said. “In fact, he just ate a peanut butter and Marshmallow Fluff sandwich today for lunch.”

Doctors at University Hospital in Newark were scrambling to treat Conan O’Brien after the Tonight Show host was stabbed, shot and beaten, but were unsure whether a bus ticket to Topeka would be enough to save him.

“Medicine has come a long way…in other cities,” emergency room physician Max Rapapport said at a news conference. “Unfortunately for Mr. O’Brien, our options are limited here. We thought about giving him a bus ticket to Pittsburgh, but in the end, it was clear a trip to Topeka was warranted.”

O’Brien ran into problems after cracking a joke about the city to a group of residents on Irvine Turner Boulevard. They promptly attacked him.

“Is that all you’ve got?” O’Brien quipped after someone in the crowd on the street knifed him in the back. “My 3-year-old son gives me worse when I try to put him down for a nap.”

Witnesses said a 3-year-old boy then pulled out a Glock .40mm and shot O’Brien several times. Stray bullets also killed two bystanders.

“Okay, that stung a little, but still,” the comedian countered. “And who nicknames a place Brick City? Oooh, I’d like to live in aluminum siding city!”

“That’s when someone threw a brick that hit Conan upside the head,” one resident said. “After he went down on the sidewalk, everyone lined up single-file to kick him in the ribs. It was very orderly.”

Through an NBC spokesman in Hollywood, Tonight Show sidekick Andy Richter said, “Newark is a great city. Don’t forget to watch tomorrow night as I host what will be a great show! my show. Finally!”

Municipal employees in hundreds of towns across New Jersey are threatening to walk off the job if perks such as free kidneys and livers, and a Cambodian house boy upon retirement are taken from them.

The workers, reacting to a state investigation that revealed close to $40 million in excessive benefits to local government employees, said there’s no reason to change.

“Those idiots in Trenton need to learn the expression, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,’” said Charles Vanderbale, a Rockaway Township public works employee with 34 years on the job who noted he’s already factored the Cambodian house boy into his retirement planning. “Do you realize how expensive it would be for me to go out somewhere and pay retail for daily foot massages? People just don’t understand my $125,000 annual pension and full medical will only go so far.”

The scathing report by the State Commission of Investigation found places such as Bernardsville, Harrison and Summit routinely offer its workers their choice of organ transplants and master keys that unlock every home in their particular township.

“It’s one of those things that was just given to everyone over the years,” retired Harrison police Chief Stan Sullivan said. “I’m pretty sure I would have had to stop drinking if I hadn’t been able to get that six-pack of livers over the years. But that didn’t just benefit me. The town got an extra three or four years out of me on the job, even if that last year I didn’t actually have to show up because of accrued sick time.”

Local municipal workers stressed they gave up more promising opportunities in the private sector, opportunities that they could easily take advantage of if New Jersey politicians started toying with their hard-earned benefits.

“Here’s the thing. I have a GED and 27 years of experience putting papers in manila folders,” Victory Gardens filing clerk Maria Andersen said defiantly. “If the state of New Jersey thinks it can just up and replace someone with those kind of qualifications, then be my guest.”